App

The App Store has had a revolutionizing impact on our lives as individuals, but not everything can be a smash hit. In honor of the weird and wonderful, we’re going to celebrate some less-memorable apps that really haven’t revolutionized the way we use our iPhones and iPads. Instead, this bizarre set of apps simply support the notion that “there’s an app for that” – but maybe there shouldn’t be.

These apps are some of the oddest, craziest, and downright weirdest apps for the iPhone and iPad. Some are long-gone and preserved here for prosperity, while, remarkably, many are still available. So, without delay, here are nine occasions you’ve never realized there was an app for. Enjoy!

For when you’re out for revenge…

Back in the old days of the App Store before anyone really knew what it was they were supposed to be doing, apps like iVoodoo were ten-a-penny. Sadly, iVoodoo is now long gone. But what did users once get for their hard-earned cash? Well, you can select a photo of your worst nemesis, have it placed on a virtual voodoo doll, and then poke ‘em full of pins. Who needs productive note-taking, maps, and personal finance apps when you can cause suffering to others via electronic voodoo? Also, as it was last updated in 2012 you get to enjoy a pre-iOS 7 design which is very painful on the eyes.

Look at that interface...

Look at that interface…

For when you’re feeling reckless…

As if accidentally dropping your iPhone on the floor and experiencing a hellish crunch and a hefty repair bill wasn’t bad enough, why not do it on purpose? Hang Time was an app that featured on the early App Store that genuinely recorded the length of time your phone spends in the air by tapping into the device’s built-in accelerometer. The app tasked users with throwing their phones into the air as high as possible to try and beat their best time and was largely targeted at the brave, the stupid, or the very rich. It will come as no surprise that it was eventually pulled from the App Store.

Did this ever seem like a good idea for an app?

Did this ever seem like a good idea for an app?

Read more about Hang Time

For when you really need a girlfriend…

The Honey It’s Me app is the stuff of legend. An early App Store release, it came from a South Korean developer and has predictably been pulled since its release in 2010. However, when it was available, it no doubt soothed many an iPhone user’s loneliness, providing them with a virtual, all speaking, all moving girlfriend that would send messages and provide users with pre-recorded videos.

This has creepy written all over it

This has creepy written all over it

Read more about the legend that is Honey It’s Me

For when flight simulators get a bit samey…

App Store developers can be very, very weird. Take this guy for example: Muhammad Razzak has made tons of simulation games, taking the genre far beyond the traditional flight sim. Take this one for example – Shark Attack Simulator 2016. One of the most enjoyable things about Razzak’s games, however, are the absurdly nonsensical descriptions. Here’s a taste of the blurb for Shark Attack Sim: “Crash and destroy all the things with your scary jaws & widemouth because you are very huge bloodshed shark.” We certainly plan to call sharks widemouths from now on.

Elsewhere, he has a game called Airplane Pilot Horse Transporter which we really struggle to believe exists, City Tourist Bus Driving, and a Border Police Dog Chase simulator, which sits nicely alongside the Crazy Horse Subway Surf sim. But really it’s all about the sharks. Remember: “Don’t show the mercy as you are a crazy & Deadly shark ever.”

Because sometimes you just want to know what it feels like to be a hungry shark

Because sometimes you just want to know what it feels like to be a hungry shark

Find all the games and simulators here (Mostly free)

For when you need to simulate flatulence…

iFart is a stone-cold classic. This app is remarkably still going strong following its initial release in 2008. It’s still being updated and its most recent release contained the addition of a “Presidential fart pack” in as well as a “Powerful new ‘backend’ for 2016.” Go on, you know you want to download it – and you can, for just $2/£2.

iFart

Real mature, guys

Discover what makes iFart the “Original and World Famous” app on the App Store ($2/£2)

For when you no longer wish to Keep up with the Kardashians…

We all love the Kardashians, right! Well, if you were to look at Kim’s own app Kim Kardashian: Hollywood, which Mashable believed could have made $200 million in 2014, then it’s clear that many people do. However, another Kim K-related app suggests otherwise: K Blocker. You know you’re family’s famous when people start making apps to help others avoid seeing or hearing your name anywhere.

The K Blocker uses the iOS content blocking features that first arrived in iOS 9 to block any mention of the Kardashian name across websites, and even photos that include related keywords. However, as the app notes: “It will dramatically reduce your exposure to Kardashian-related content. However, it cannot block 100% of the Kardashian content on 100% of the websites.”

Simple, but effective

Simple, but effective

Download the K Blocker on the App Store ($1/£1)

For when you need to nap at work…

Any app that still has the ‘i’ in the title you know is incredibly archaic. iNap@Work is another one from the depths of the App Store – last updated in 2009, before finally getting removed in a great App Store purge, its premise is to allow you to nap at work without anyone finding out by playing sounds of typing, coughing and other general office sounds you’d expect to hear from someone hard at work. Of course, the jig will be up pretty fast if you’re workstation is in view of anyone at all.

This'll totally work

This’ll totally work

For when your socks just aren’t smart enough…

Keeping socks in their pairs is a thankless and relentless task – but now you can use your iPhone to keep track of socks. In what the Italian company Blacksocks calls “Probably the smartest socks in the world”, the Plus+ socks come with a built-in communication button which can communicate with your iPhone via a special app. Here are a few things the app will be able to tell you: which socks belong together, and how to sort them out; how often you have washed your socks; when your socks were produced; and when you first ordered your socks.

Smart socks. Will they catch on?

Smart socks. Will they catch on?

Great! Where do we sign up? Right here. Oh, but did we mention a starter kit with 10 pairs of socks costs $189? Still considering it? No, us neither.

For when you simply must have it…

We couldn’t end this piece without the most luxurious App Store purchases currently available. Did you know the pricing structure on the App Store goes up to $999.99? Well, there are actually apps that have reached this tier. A combination of bumper-priced apps intended for education or professionals, while others represent pure arrogance. Take the iVIP Black app, otherwise known as ‘The Millionaire’s app’.

Not only do you have to shell out a cool grand for the app, you also have to certify you are worth more than $1 million. Users then receive VIP treatment – extra-special experiences like complimentary upgrades, surprise gifts, welcome packages, exclusive rates, priority access, and other unique privileges – across a global range of luxury partners and services. Still. $1000.

And on that note, we think it’s time to get back to our regular home screen and spend our time switching between the regular Mail app and Facebook ad infinitum. Here’s to many more years of App Store weirdness!